Can Openers

"I can be myself, how 'bout you?" - Fire Exit by Fastball

I've been a lot more cheerful ever since I deleted my Guys4men account a week ago, not to mention more confident. After realizing that constantly trying so hard to reach up to the retarded requirements and expectations of the people from that website wasn't doing miracles for my self-esteem, I decided to just be done with all of it. I clicked on that "cancel my account" button and after about two to three warnings to "continue only if I am never coming back again", I clicked on that same button again and severed what has been serving as my only tie to the pink world ever since I broke up with my first and only boyfriend.

Most of the present gay/ bi people I know or knew, except for my best friend Rem, came from that site or other online chatrooms, which were perpetually tinged with its shades of grey and white. And yet I didn't really find what I was looking for, not that I didn't try. I mean, increasing the extent of my vanity ten-fold, checking to see if my hair, skin, clothes, masculine accent, conversational skills (that mostly only included dealing with words and phrases such as "hey", "asl", "wer u from", "seb", "got place" and other worn out phrases) mannerisms, and pose (especially in my pictures) was supposed to get people to notice me; to like me. I know what you're going to say. "It's better to be yourself. You shouldn't have tried so hard. Conformity and obsession consumes us all--- yadiyadayada". The thing is, being yourself doesn't quite cut it in that virtual meat market.

Sure, you CAN try showing your true self in your pictures, following the hairstyle that you like, the clothes that you usually wear (assuming that you post pictures with you actually wearing them) and the things that you usually do and pretend there's no need to impress everyone else with whatever appendage you've got, but that really wouldn't bulk up the message inbox.

You CAN be honest about yourself, the lifestyle that you follow, the places you go to, and the people you hang out with, but you risk turning people off with the truth. It's often better to just show that you're just like everyone else, liking the same things, going to the same clubs, the same gyms, sporting the same hairstyles, wearing the same outfits (or not wearing any at all), having the same set of 6 pack abs, hanging out with the same type of people, and showing what everyone signed up for in the first place (points downward).

You CAN fool yourself into believing that appearance isn't all there is whenever you sign in and canvass through the many guys online who don't even have to show their faces most of the time in their pictures.

You CAN attempt to go along with the different labels they tag you with, like bi, gay, masculine, effeminate, straight acting, discreet, and other terms that are supposed to represent the entirety of who you are, at least to everyone else.

You CAN try to ignore the constant feeling of inferiority and rejection as you try to win over some guy who states specifically what he wants in his profile, and which apparently isn't you.

Finally, you CAN endure the fact that the rules of conduct or manners don't seem to apply to people who don't even have it in them to introduce themselves first before proposing to literally screw the hell out of you. Or try to stand those who just stop replying altogether, not thinking that a simple "you're not my type but I'm sure you'll meet your guy so take care" would have been a better and a more manly, not to mention a more human way to cut the conversation off.

And after a few flings, a couple of one-night stands, and a handful of guys who don't even bother to call you back after they were done with you like some chewed up gum, you CAN try to convince yourself that it all still meant something, that you are mature enough to understand that this was how things went, that this was what you wanted.

You CAN do all of these things, or you can finally stop being in denial and making yourself suffer by having to beg for attention and a semblance of affection from people who only see you as an overnight meat cake.

You CAN START freeing yourself from this standardization and discrimination in the gay world, which ironically has been fighting discrimination and was fussing about diversity since time immemorial.

You CAN STOP subjecting yourself from the judgments of others and follow what a lot of cartoons, books, and feel-good movies, no matter how much they inspired or sucked, have been telling us for the longest time : BE YOURSELF.

You CAN choose superficial validation through other people's flattery, or choose your own acceptance of yourself.

These are the CAN's, along with many others, that are open for you. It's up to you which one you take.

So make your choice. I did.

=)

+purple_lantern+